Rummaging through my house last week I found the movie “Edge of Darkness,” that new (ish) Mel Gibson flick where he’s an ex-cop and whatnot. The movie was ok because I like when there are no happy endings in movies. It’s often quite boring when the hero survives and ends up with the love of his life living happily ever after and all that Mills & Boon greatness. That may just be a reflection of my deep dark fear of happiness – or realism. Label it as you wish. In the movie there was a line that struck me as profound (more profound than it would have been had I not been lounging in a pool of depression and chamomile tea, which as we all know sharpens the mind).
“It’s not what it is. It’s never what it is. It’s what it can be made to look like.”
Let the reality and pertinence of those words sink deep into your bones because I don’t believe I have ever heard more true words ever spoken in my life. What’s the first thing that came to mind when you read and understood it? Well, it made me think about love and how it can be so counterfeit and yet so real all at once. Prior to watching the movie my last few days were spent attempting to understand if love is real or imagined. I ponder whether it’s a matter of love being real enough to be truly attainable or just fantasised about enough to endure. It’s my most recent conquest, though I don’t think I’ll get very far. I’m too brainwashed. Like most of us.
I’ve been consumed with fantasies of love and its beautiful distress for as far back as I could remember. As much as I enjoy my own company and don’t long for that of others, the lifelong companionship of a “perfect” match is the ultimate goal in achieving well-rounded happiness. Whether or not we’re willing to admit that to ourselves (and furthermore embrace it). It’s one thing to have brief rolls on soft mattresses and have babies by a suitable mate, but it’s an entirely different matter to actually be happy and enraptured by someone for the rest of your life.
I can’t help but think the thoughts of Hollywood and Publishing houses have long become those of our own. Do we even actually believe in love or is it just what we were taught to believe in? Kind of like religion when you think about it (which is another matter entirely. God and I will work it out someday perhaps). I mean, love IS practically its own religion anyway. There are the sacred rituals like marriage, which is supposed to be consummated in LOVE, though I think marriage has long since been forgotten as loving or sacred. It’s now just something to do for most people. There are also things you do to demonstrate this love like having sex and giving gifts which I suppose (due to the insinuated regularity with which these things take place) can be compared to tides and offerings and well...prayers? I seem like such a heathen right now but, moving along.
My point is, before I further tempt the super devout SUPER-DUPER extremist Christians to crucify me, is love something we believe in and are willing to stand by (and perhaps be martyrs for) or is it just something we were taught to abide by through being forced to go to church and say prayers and go to bible study classes? I used to be sure. But now I’ve grown up, and after being dragged through the mud and being bruised by sharp stones along the way, I have paused for my moment of reflection and I’m forced to reconsider. I’m forced to face the reality that perhaps, like God (according to some), love is something that was invented to give hope and keep people believing so there can be happiness and kindness and, ultimately, securing the survival of the human race through procreation.
I always think the possibilities are endless. And it certainly isn’t impossible with all the elements for broadcasting we’re exposed to on a daily basis. The lucrative success of Valentine’s Day is a prime example of this. It’s quite a load of rubbish. In general terms. I still think it’s a nice day though. To see everyone walking around all smiling and kissing and basically it’s Paris, just ...everywhere. But I still ask myself, why is there a DAY dedicated to buying roses and chocolates and being romantic? I wonder who sat one day and said, “Eureka! I shall create a day where we will broadcast to the masses that they MUST give gifts of love and all sugary and cuddly things to the person they’re with for them to be happy and I will call this...Valentine’s Day. I am brilliant. Suck my toes for my brilliance bitch.” Ok that last part was random. Quite Rick James of me to even think it actually.
Once again, I digress. Let me not go along that red bricked road with Valentine’s Day actually because the argument could easily be expanded for practically everything we celebrate: Birthdays, Christmas, Mothers’ Day, Fathers’ Day etcetera, etcetera... Why just have one day for them all right? I’m working through this as I write, trying to make sense of it all so I hope you can bear with me and share your thoughts. Truth is I’m a hopeless love zombie. But I no longer want to be. I almost HOPE it’s all just a fallacy. Then all our failures in love won’t count because it was all bullshit to begin with. I don’ really know what to think anymore but I will acknowledge that both possibilities exist. If there were to be a battle betwixt the two I won’t know what side to fight for. I may just observe from a reasonable distance and allow my cowardice to bow to the victor.
Fuck it – it’s all gibberish. My brain is mush after this week. It’s a big herbal tea sap and you probably don’t understand a word I wrote but, I wanted to share my thoughts and hopefully in you sharing yours I will be able to gather information and come to a conclusion. Or at least seek solace in those of you who are still willing to be martyrs.
Your Allycat has been condemned to high treason in the Court of Love and will be imprisoned in a cell covered with hearts and filled with clichéd Valentine’s Day gifts. She will also be forced to view a chick flick every 4 hours and is also under the parsonage of Father John Mayer being taught to write love songs and poetry until further notice.
You WILL believe in love, you WILL believe in love...
After enduring yet another sleepless night this thought occurred to me: what does it really mean to love someone? Can you embrace all the things you love about them, you know those easy, loveable qualities that make you smile thinking about them all day and night as well as those stubborn, temperamental ways (like myself) that make you think about slowly wrapping your fingers around their throats? Is it truly possible to do both?
I’m not going to get all deep and philosophical on you with this one (not this time) I am far too traumatised by the dark circles under my eyes. This is just me barely scratching the surface but like a scratch and sniff, I want you to get a whiff, share your thoughts, and pass it around for a big open forum of opinions. So here it is.
The ever popular Bible verses I Corinthians 13: 4-8 says:
Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking.
It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
Sigh. Where do I begin with this perfect idea of what should be? Which is not wrong, it SHOULD be but we do live in a real world and I have always been of the belief that the bible provides you with a series of rules and stories some of which are open to interpretation and should not be taken quite so literally. One of my issues with Christianity but let’s NOT go there. All I have to say on those verses is this: we would like love to be all these things, but it is not. Love, when done right, makes us better people. It makes us strive to achieve the necessary patience, trust, truth and forgiveness as aforementioned but more often than not love temporarily turns you into crackhead. You can’t stop thinking about them, you want to spend every minute with them but you’ll probably end up killing each other if that were to happen, you try not to be rude but there goes this bitch again flirting with him IN YOUR FACE and you can’t help yourself, you try to always trust but there is that thing that sometimes prevents it, what is it called, oh right BEING HUMAN! I could go on and on and on but I like to think I’m dealing with intelligent people who understand by now and can complete the list themselves.
I have realised when it comes to love the quickest thing for us to do is to take the easy way out. I pose this (as many of may have experienced, done or seen): I love you. Your laugh, your personality, your fire, your big heart, your intellectual mind, your sexy body, your sex...but... I think I’ll just go for someone who may not have all those things but is less stubborn, less opinionated, less of a pain in my ass, less likely to have a temper, and less likely to amuse and love me the way you do. But hey, at least I’ll be sane (Sometimes I think sanity is so overrated, sane people act like robots).
What is it about love that always seems to produce the “but...” factor through every explanation of why that love can’t happen? I think we are all entirely too selfish, myself included. We are so wrapped up in our own lives and wants and needs that we can’t see and appreciate a good thing when it comes our way. We all want the good, ‘please Lord send the good man or the good woman and I’ll find something far too inadequate about this seemingly perfect match and begin my search all over again for EASY’. Yes she makes me laugh and is full of passion and interesting thoughts but damn I just want a woman who’ll cook some food, have sex with me and shut the hell up, where’s she at?
It’s kind of like those advertisements for Staples where they have the easy button. We all just reach for the easy button before we stop and think, maybe there’s another way to do this that, granted, may not be as fun as pressing that big juicy red button, but will also be effective and maybe even more thorough because the easy button will miss some things I need that aren’t on the list in my mind. What’s wrong with just going to the store and getting stationery the old fashioned way, testing the pens on that scrap of paper and eventually winding up getting a Dora the Explorer notebook for your baby cousin? I like the stationery store. But I digress.
Why are we obsessed with easy? We’ve seen it over and over in life and in movies, the girl and the guy, he’s great and she’s great but he’s broke and has little hope for the future so she marries the stiff ass accountant who doesn’t laugh, or play, or cook WITH her and (let’s be real) can’t, and doesn’t care to, make her cum. Skeet, skeet and roll over. It’s almost like we’re programmed to settle for fear of being alone. Because of course, that’s the worst thing in the world that can ever happen! It’s like 2012 the love edition, everyone head to China there are more than enough people to love there! Come on people. Wake up. There are too many people in this world for you to ever truly be alone. And it’s a modern time, if you feel the need to embrace promiscuity to satisfy the urge who’s to judge? Psh! Ok that was a joke people, calm down (but really though...)
All jokes aside (I could never stick to that), we all need to realise that we’re never going to get that perfect person. We’re never going to get someone we love EVERYTHING about. Not even in our closest friendships. My temper has my friends on EDGE thinking today just might be the day Alicia goes to jail. I’m sure it’s very uncomfortable for them to watch someone give me attitude of bad customer service. They probably shake their heads in the background looking around for police like, this is it. So much for ‘all jokes aside’ (told ya). There is NO ONE in the world who has everything you want. There is however, someone who has everything you need, and then some. You need to embrace what you love AND what you dislike about them because all those components put together make them who they are. And you fell in love with them in the first place because of who they are. Guess what? You’re not perfect either.
So deal with it and stop being a whiny bitch.
Your 9am wake up call,
Allycat
So the new year is here! I'm a bit late (as per usual) with adding my flavour to the mix of all the new year rants and resolutions. Bring on 2010 and whatnot and so forth.
Happy New Year to you all. I wish you a year filled with love, opportunity and adventure. Just what I would hope for myself :)
I don't have any distinct resolutions, I don't find it necessary to wait until a new year begins to decide what I want to change about myself and/or add to my roster of things to do. HOWEVER, I will say that I am going on crazy ass cooking and health rant this year. So when I blog about what I'm cooking and what I'm currently salivating over, don't wonder if someone else took over my shit. It's me. Julie and Julia style, sorta. Not really. But I am expanding my horizons regarding my previously expressed (http://bit.ly/4Evsga) love for food.
I'll be going to restaurants and sampling dishes from every culture (though I've already ruled out sushi thanks to Benihana. Ugh!). I'll be cooking (gasp!) and I'll also be posting some recipes I tried that blew my mind for you guys and gals to sample.
But I'm not going full fucking Betty Crocker on you guys. *Says "but wait there's more!" in advertiser voice* I'm also going to be (drumroll please) leaving Trinidad and Tobago for the first time! Yay me. No set plans yet, I'm actually going to renew my passport this week (or next) so I can get the ball rolling.
Desired destinations: Jamaica, Japan, NY and Barbados. Now, I haven't quite figured out how I'm going to do that yet considering my bank acct balance is $0.00 and my pockets match that BUT, where there's a will there's a way! Right? Hopefully. Maybe I'll just keep playing the lottery just in case.
So from Barbados, Jamaica, Japan (DYING to go!) and NY, I'll be bringing you the goods in video, pics and blogs. You're practically travelling in my tote. It's something I always wanted to do but never thought I'd have the means to do anytime soon. But I'm going to make my means possible and update you as I go along.
I also need to blog a lot more this time around. And do some videos so you can actually put a face to the crazy person. Before, my issue was not having a laptop and having limited internet access, NOW my issue is that I have a laptop and no time to really use it outside of work. That's one lousy aspect of journalism. Doesn't give you time for much else. But I need to make the time because I find myself feeling like I could just yank all my hair out when I can't write in my style and say what I really want to say. So I will now. At least twice a week.
Other plan: Get a fucking car!!! About damn time. Well first I need to get my driver's license so I could drive legally (yawn) then I could move on to the car part. Oh these rules of society! I can't wait to have my own little gas guzzler and beg friends for contributions to foot the bill to the beach. Ah yes, I can see it now.
My dream car, since I've always loved jeeps and old model cars, is a Suziki Jimny. Also known as the Suzuki SJ, Suzuki Samurai, Sierra and Holden Drover. I absolutely <3 it. Can just see myself in one. Picture it...
And then picture me in it...
I know right? Sigh. Dream come true. When I get it you'll see how I actually look in my jeep in case you don't have my amazing foresight.
Well, that's it for now folks! Until I blog about cooking later this week that is! *wink* So, in the mean time between time, I have work to do so later!
Your 2010 globe trekker to be,
Allycat
