Love Zombie

Rummaging through my house last week I found the movie “Edge of Darkness,” that new (ish) Mel Gibson flick where he’s an ex-cop and whatnot. The movie was ok because I like when there are no happy endings in movies. It’s often quite boring when the hero survives and ends up with the love of his life living happily ever after and all that Mills & Boon greatness. That may just be a reflection of my deep dark fear of happiness – or realism. Label it as you wish. In the movie there was a line that struck me as profound (more profound than it would have been had I not been lounging in a pool of depression and chamomile tea, which as we all know sharpens the mind).

“It’s not what it is. It’s never what it is. It’s what it can be made to look like.”

Let the reality and pertinence of those words sink deep into your bones because I don’t believe I have ever heard more true words ever spoken in my life. What’s the first thing that came to mind when you read and understood it? Well, it made me think about love and how it can be so counterfeit and yet so real all at once. Prior to watching the movie my last few days were spent attempting to understand if love is real or imagined. I ponder whether it’s a matter of love being real enough to be truly attainable or just fantasised about enough to endure. It’s my most recent conquest, though I don’t think I’ll get very far. I’m too brainwashed. Like most of us.

I’ve been consumed with fantasies of love and its beautiful distress for as far back as I could remember. As much as I enjoy my own company and don’t long for that of others, the lifelong companionship of a “perfect” match is the ultimate goal in achieving well-rounded happiness. Whether or not we’re willing to admit that to ourselves (and furthermore embrace it). It’s one thing to have brief rolls on soft mattresses and have babies by a suitable mate, but it’s an entirely different matter to actually be happy and enraptured by someone for the rest of your life.

I can’t help but think the thoughts of Hollywood and Publishing houses have long become those of our own. Do we even actually believe in love or is it just what we were taught to believe in? Kind of like religion when you think about it (which is another matter entirely. God and I will work it out someday perhaps). I mean, love IS practically its own religion anyway. There are the sacred rituals like marriage, which is supposed to be consummated in LOVE, though I think marriage has long since been forgotten as loving or sacred. It’s now just something to do for most people. There are also things you do to demonstrate this love like having sex and giving gifts which I suppose (due to the insinuated regularity with which these things take place) can be compared to tides and offerings and well...prayers? I seem like such a heathen right now but, moving along.

My point is, before I further tempt the super devout SUPER-DUPER extremist Christians to crucify me, is love something we believe in and are willing to stand by (and perhaps be martyrs for) or is it just something we were taught to abide by through being forced to go to church and say prayers and go to bible study classes? I used to be sure. But now I’ve grown up, and after being dragged through the mud and being bruised by sharp stones along the way, I have paused for my moment of reflection and I’m forced to reconsider. I’m forced to face the reality that perhaps, like God (according to some), love is something that was invented to give hope and keep people believing so there can be happiness and kindness and, ultimately, securing the survival of the human race through procreation.

I always think the possibilities are endless. And it certainly isn’t impossible with all the elements for broadcasting we’re exposed to on a daily basis. The lucrative success of Valentine’s Day is a prime example of this. It’s quite a load of rubbish. In general terms. I still think it’s a nice day though. To see everyone walking around all smiling and kissing and basically it’s Paris, just ...everywhere. But I still ask myself, why is there a DAY dedicated to buying roses and chocolates and being romantic? I wonder who sat one day and said, “Eureka! I shall create a day where we will broadcast to the masses that they MUST give gifts of love and all sugary and cuddly things to the person they’re with for them to be happy and I will call this...Valentine’s Day. I am brilliant. Suck my toes for my brilliance bitch.” Ok that last part was random. Quite Rick James of me to even think it actually.

Once again, I digress. Let me not go along that red bricked road with Valentine’s Day actually because the argument could easily be expanded for practically everything we celebrate: Birthdays, Christmas, Mothers’ Day, Fathers’ Day etcetera, etcetera... Why just have one day for them all right? I’m working through this as I write, trying to make sense of it all so I hope you can bear with me and share your thoughts. Truth is I’m a hopeless love zombie. But I no longer want to be. I almost HOPE it’s all just a fallacy. Then all our failures in love won’t count because it was all bullshit to begin with. I don’ really know what to think anymore but I will acknowledge that both possibilities exist. If there were to be a battle betwixt the two I won’t know what side to fight for. I may just observe from a reasonable distance and allow my cowardice to bow to the victor.

Fuck it – it’s all gibberish. My brain is mush after this week. It’s a big herbal tea sap and you probably don’t understand a word I wrote but, I wanted to share my thoughts and hopefully in you sharing yours I will be able to gather information and come to a conclusion. Or at least seek solace in those of you who are still willing to be martyrs.

Your Allycat has been condemned to high treason in the Court of Love and will be imprisoned in a cell covered with hearts and filled with clich├ęd Valentine’s Day gifts. She will also be forced to view a chick flick every 4 hours and is also under the parsonage of Father John Mayer being taught to write love songs and poetry until further notice. 

You WILL believe in love, you WILL believe in love...