October: The Month of Early-Onset Insanity

Mere days before my birthday I found myself sipping some wine and slowly but surely sinking to the bottom of the glass. My life, which was previously believed to filled with love and laughter and yes, many a few disastrous failures, morphed into a dry wasteland. I haven't done enough, seen enough, been disciplined or productive enough - it's not enough! What have I done with the last 23 years of my life exactly?!

Still unanswered, it turns out this enigma was brought on by a quarter-life crisis. I know, I also shook my head. This usually happens to people between the ages of 25-30 but of course in true Alicia fashion, I'm experiencing it at 23. It's essentially a phase where you begin questioning and over-analysing your life. It would appear that my introverted ways are catching up with me, thus causing this shit storm that wasn't due for another 2-7 years (sigh). Throughout the process I was able to maintain a substandard of sanity thanks to my spectacular and impatient ass friends who aided me through the bouts of depression and told me to stop my shit. I love them.

Symptomatic of this early-onset crisis I was introduced to (and overwhelmed by) loneliness, perhaps even fructifying the crisis more so than being a product of it. Not only was I taken aback by this (finding myself using the word 'lonely' in conversation is quite the experience) but I am now submerged in it. Originally I assumed it was because I went from a long-term relationship to an ephemeral pseudo-relationship to now being absolutely singular. But despite being the girl who loves to go the movies alone, take long solo walks through the city and generally living the live of a seldom-socialised hermit - I find myself constantly on the verge of an anxiety attack. I still savour the time spent with my family, my brilliantly entertaining little cousins, my friends, my friend, yet I'm still aware of a void I can't currently fill.

As recently as 4 days ago this void was a canyon, but as the dust starts to settle on 23 the downward spiral is becoming more of a startling dip into a pothole than me plummeting to my spinsterly death. As for the other aspects - an inactive social life, an even more inactive love life, my hatred of college, my lack of a career - I figure they'll all sort themselves out in time. For now I'm trying to focus on being ready for the great things I want to happen. That's a full-time job so technically I'm not a total bum.

I'm not sure how long these things last according to science but for now I feel like I've been through the worst of it and heading towards recovery. Hopefully this isn't one of those "calm before the storm" moments. Fingers crossed.

Your lonely beaver,