Available for Hire: Will Work for Cash

Name: Alicia Viarruel

Occupation: Uncertain

Financial Status: Nothing to declare

The Mission: Make money to get a new laptop, a jeep and a fully functional cellular phone

The Plan: Sheer Foraging

I've never consciously taken into account how important financial security is. I am willing to admit that I have always taken for granted the fact that I'll get what I want no matter what. Whether it was mom, dad, my favourite aunt or uncle, granny. I ALWAYS got what I wanted. Until one very sombre day when my forehead smacked into that withered and worn pavement that is adulthood. I now have to earn what I want (for the most part) and I find myself continuously wondering (sometimes aloud), "what the fuck happened?" Adulthood has ruined my youthful carefree spending habits. Oh how I miss the old days! Though my boyfriend would disagree and say that I'm a spoilt little runt who is completely void of the ability to spend prudently. He's totally wrong of course, however I have had to cancel a visit or two as a result of the purchase of some cute dress, scarf or must have handbag.

The fact of the matter is that I am a hopeless spendthrift living above and beyond my means. Always. I know it's easy for the first thing to be, "get a job like everyone else." And though I have seriously thought about it, that's as far as it ever goes. A stray thought running through my mind every so often whispering 'get a job', but it's very easy to ignore when you really consider the options. Offices, offices, offices. I absolutely loathe the office environment. From the suit that must be worn, to the building, to the desk and computer that i have to sit behind ALL DAY, to the cut throat hypocritical coworkers. Yikes. Majorly devastating and not to mention destructive for my free spirit and creative mind.

But now, at the stage of seeking desperate measures, I find myself actually considering purchasing some office clothes for my closet (the act of shopping is intensely more appealing than the items being purchased in this circumstance). Sitting behind a desk, typing, filing, talking to people with attitudes on the phone while desperately trying to remain calm and professional, the boss. Ugh. Aargh! I apologise, the act of leaving my comfortable bed, my comfortable house, to step into a more than UNcomfortable environment is inconceivable.

However, this is a point in my life where drastic times call for drastic measures. Literally. I found myself circling (in purple ink no less) a job to work on a farm. Yes. Me, Alicia Viarruel, even slightly interested in working on a farm doing questionable duties for an even more questionable salary. If ever you were unsure as to the context in which to use 'wtf', this would be that time to blurt it out (fake dumb blond accent and all). Though I comforted myself by saying that at least I love animals so it could be fun...Maybe. I also looked at options like:

• Experienced Painters wanted :- Since I've painted my grandmother's house for the most part, my own house (alongside dad) INCLUSIVE OF the redesigning of my bedroom. Twice. There's some experience for your ass.
• Maid between 25-30 years old for East Indian family. 2-3 days a week:- If it's one thing I know how to do and do well, is clean. *Has a "hi mom" moment like those kids on MTV* And I figured, how hard could it be? Unless there's a diaper-less baby running around urinating, shitting, and vomiting I think I'll be fine. And I love curry. Maybe I'll even learn how to make a roti. Why not! AND I get 2-3 free days for the rest of the working week. Shit! Only minus there being that I'm 21. Gosh darn!
• Supermarket workers needed :- Who doesn't love the supermarket? Hello! All that food and you don't even have to hold any of it, you just get to push them around in a somewhat cool cage on wheels. Get the fuck out of here! That job could be majorly cool, throw in a free Coke every 3 hours and I'm game.
• Hiring now. Females to do massages. Training available. Attractive salary :- In my defense, this one did seem a little questionable so there is a big purple asterix next to it. Not too sure if I'm quite willing to venture into this physical contact services. Though the mention of the attractive salary did seem...attractive. Schemers! Next!

Of course throughout all this purple pen circling I wondered how many of these people I'd actually call, but hey, I made an initial effort at least. That's step one. I think. Not too sure how "job hunting" goes. Every job (out of all 4) I've ever applied for I've gotten. Not that this helps my image but hey, let the truth be told. Two out of those 4 were office jobs (Blech!) and I despised them. Quit one and was fired from the other. Good riddance! And the salaries, all $3000 of it, were spent on clothes because I had to make myself feel better after being in that shitty office, and I would not be me if I couldn't shop for clothes and bags. I'd surely perish. The other two were in fashion. Duh. And newsflash: Jobs in fashion don't pay unless you're the designer, the model, or the photographer. Go figure!

So, in my broken degenerate state, I need to figure out a way to get some fast funds. With prostitution and pimping out of the question, I am still in search of quick reasonably earned cash to get my laptop first, my jeep second and a working phone last but certainly not least. The quest begins! I vow to circle AND call and figure it out. I'll be sure to keep you guys posted on the process. Wish me...RICH blessings and financial restraint. Tomorrow will mark day one of this journey to purposeful (and gainful) part-time employment to help me achieve or acquire the aforementioned items. So we'll start a countdown and make it interesting by setting the deadline of January 31, 2010 for the laptop. We'll work the rest out when that deadline is met. Now, excuse mu purple pen and I. We have business to conduct.

Your unemployed degenerate,

Allycat

I think I'll use this in my next interview

Fight the Power: Don't Worry, Be Happy

I've never understood even the bare basics of this world. If you're good and an overall nice human being you get bitten in the ass by the angry pit bull that is the rest of the world. You are betrayed by friends that you've been nothing but good to, taken advantage of, robbed and beaten. Life tries to beat you down into the ground. Well, I correct myself, PEOPLE try to beat you down into the ground (sometimes quite literally though thankfully I've been THUS FAR spared the personal experience). If you walk the straight and narrow path be sure to keep your eyes peeled for boobie traps and manholes because they're always there to fuck you up.


The road is straight and narrow after all so preparation is best as they're near impossible to avoid. It's like being ahead in Monopoly then you're suddenly plundered into poverty by the card where you have to pay for each house and hotel or imprisoned by the go to jail card ("go to jail, go directly to jail, do not pass GO, do not collect $200," we know that bitch of a card well). You're done for. You get those cards in life too except that it isn't a game. You can't afford the luxury of being the sore loser and calling it quits to go watch tv instead.

When it's good, it's so ridiculously good that you find yourself being scared shitless at the possibility that something terrible is going to happen. And... it does. The good people in the world always go down hard. They endure more broken hearts than should be allowed any one human being. Sometimes, they may pass along some positive attributes to those smart enough to pay attention. Otherwise, they don't live long and, to be honest, die quite tragically. On the flip side, by all appearances, it pays to be a bitch! The really bad people of the world live long and hearty, get to be fat and happy, affect more lives than most good people get to (whether its through other people's ungratefulness or lack of opportunity) AND they die with a big smile on their wrinkle and blemish free faces.

Though through all of this, the thing that really irks me about being good in this life is that you really can't please anyone! If you're smiling people are disgusted or annoyed by how happy you are. If you're generous and helpful people are skeptical and always seem to think you're up to something. If you're beautiful people are jealous. If you're quiet and sensitive you're mocked and abused. If you're nice to everyone people think you're pretentious. If you're shy and keep to yourself people say it's superciliousness. People, people, people! See a trend here?


I had this way of always saying that the world is shitty but throughout the years of making my own mental notes I've come to the conclusion that people, this thing we have so inaccurately labelled humanity (the act of being human or otherwise defined as the act of being humane which is the ability to have consideration and compassion for others, which should in all actuality go hand in hand regardless), is what makes existing on this earth such a task. We've done this, created this mayhem and set this "standard" of mediocre living for ourselves. One by one we all did it. Ain't that a bitch?

These past few weeks, after experiencing these very issues I have been dwelling on the hopeless state of it all. I have been battling against crossing over to the dark side and becoming the biggest bitch you dare to know. For my own protection rather than just to be spiteful. Over the last 10 or so odd years I've become very familiar with the bullshit associated with being too nice or too trusting. I have hardened to fight against said bullshit, though still desperately trying to stay true to the me that is an absolute clown and loves to laugh and make others laugh. The me that is truly not hard at all. Like most of us who have had to go through this process, I had lost my way. I don't smile like I used to, laugh like I love to, help like I want to. People upset me. The nature of human beings upset me. I find myself angry all the time at the way the world has become.


No one smiles at you in the street, people barely so much as mumble a "good morning" or "good day". I lost my burning passion to live, TRULY live, to be as I was when things were simple and innocent, to give in to that thirst to just walk down the street smiling from ear to ear simply because I'm alive. I lost myself in the sea of shit and was drowning in it. I allowed the fucked up people who entered my life to fuck ME up rather than counting my blessings that I'm nothing like them and moving along on my mission to laugh until I die. Literally, I want to die laughing or in my sleep (because I LOVE to do both). But I know that in the attempt to protect myself from the evil people of the world through the method of acting like them, I am adding to the problem and not contributing to a solution for days ahead. I forgot to positively affect the lives of the people that I encounter on a regular basis. It's odd to miss your own self, be your own worst enemy for what you've become. As it turns out, the sacrifices we make in life, though logical, may not always be best.

I had a debate with a friend of mine about whether or not there is a middle ground between logic and emotion. And I said, "there must be something in between, there's always something in the middle that's why the word "maybe" exists. If there's middle ground I'll be sure to write a book on it and let everyone know. 'Chicken Soup' style." And though it was funny at the time, I reflect on it at this wee hour of the morning when I think best and I realize that there really is no middle ground. The word 'maybe' exists so you don't have to commit to either a 'yes' or a 'no' even if you already know the final answer. 'Maybe' is the word that allows procrastination, it was created to cater to the indecisive nature (or attempted mystery is you will) of human beings.


I admit to myself, and to you, that I was backsliding and forgot how to live. I can't remember what it's like to not try to control my own destiny, to just let go and laugh and not let PEOPLE get me down or angry. There will always be that asshole and that bitch and those who will call your name in matters that don't concern you, those who want to defame you and can't help but attempt to dirty your crystal clear waters. People won't always appreciate your brilliant light and some will want to out it just for kicks. Fuck them. Life is too good, the sky is too perfectly blue, the clouds too mesmerizing and puffy, the sun too hot and marvelous for you to be taking on the people around you and letting them fuck with you. I always like to say, if people want to exit your life wave them adieu and get the fuck on skipping down your yellow brick road. Let the wizard deal with them when you get to the top. It's going to take a while, but one by one the same way it started it can end, if we all just smile a bit more each day, say more hellos and good mornings hopefully it'll catch on and stick like herpes. Though that is a bit fucked up. Maybe.

Your obscene cynic turned...well, obscene optimist,

Allycat