Mirror Mirror on the wall...

A few nights ago, in a taxi zooming through the streets of Port of Spain, I was lost in my mind taking in the drama and the noise of the city. I love town. It’s chaotic, filthy, unpretentious and alive. On pause for a few seconds at a red light, I stared at this vagrant who was very intensely staring at his own reflection in the glossy window of an establishment. He was standing there with a sac over his back that I can only assume was filled with his worldly possessions and treasures. I wondered what he was thinking. Was he looking at who he is now and wondering how he got there? Was he wishing he could retrace his steps back to where he used to be? Or was he just high out his fucking mind looking at his reflection thinking it was another man and trying to intimidate him? Of course I will never know which it is, but I felt in some way that I could relate to that vagrant.

Shouldn’t we all have that moment (or several) where we stop and look at ourselves and evaluate our lives? How did I get here? Where am I going? Am I happy with who/what I have become? I believe these moments of reflection and questioning are paramount to our development as we go along on this journey – for those of us looking forward to evolving that is. Some of us prefer to use the mirror solely to examine the wrinkles of worry that have accumulated over time.

As we continue to deny ourselves these moments of pause do we risk becoming zombies, going about our routines void of any thirst and love for life, thereby condemning our entire species to non-existence? As it is, the degeneration has already begun. We spend so much time teaching our children to have discipline, compete, work hard, study, have manners, say this, do that but we never put enough emphasis on laughter, love, personal growth, caring for others and taking time to just do nothing but talk and develop their imagination. In some ways this works for the benefit of mankind, we now have more doctors, architects, engineers, artists, etcetera to propel us closer to the futuristic world we all had in mind since The Chrysalids. But now, there is also more violence, crime and suicide. Have we taught ourselves to sacrifice happiness for stringency? We are constantly going at a pace with our schedules and plans and plans to make plans.

If there were no red lights to make us stop, would we?

Just some thoughts.

Your aspiring traffic conductor,

Allycat

                                    Who said anything was wrong with moving at a snail's pace anyway?

Spinning Webs of Wisdom

There are times I truly believe I have lost my mind. I don’t know when nor where I lost it, if it is entirely lost, but I am certain there are some fundamental chunks gone awry. The combination of life experiences – real, imagined and modified – have driven those parts of my mind to either vacate or mutate without warning. I wonder if I can grow and develop with what I have left and cling desperately to the hope that I will not be this way forever; the selfish, hot-tempered, and unfocused person who I am occasionally ashamed of. We’ve all been there. It’s all part of the vicious cycle of attaining the ever elusive “maturity”.

Playing Spider Solitaire (my new obsession – don’t ask) at 5am this morning I was (repeatedly!) informed  that whether I quit and start a new game or restart my current game it will be counted as a loss in my statistics. Here is this game telling me that even I start over and ultimately win, the fact that I even had to start over means I’ve lost. Sipping on tea, legs crossed sitting with my laptop on my bed (very much like the illustration), it got me thinking about life. Having been a strong believer in the dust-yourself-off-and-try-again philosophy, now I can’t help but wonder how many losses I’ve accumulated over the last 22 years of my existence. And exactly how important are those losses? It also made me think about shortcuts, as I – armed with a victorious smile – reset my current statistics. Oh the joys of a fresh start!

But do we always have to accumulate losses to win or can we all just be winners? If we are always reminded of our “life statistics” will this make us strive for a better record, or just feel miserable and burdened?

I’d like to think we all continuously strive to be better people, good people, and conquer the things we have been taught make us “civilised” and “respectable” adults. Whatever that means. Can we all be the she-has-her-shit-together lady, or are some of us just destined to be the helter-skelter types? I understand that reaching this place of emotional and intellectual maturity is a process, and I continue to trudge along in my journey, but I often wish I could just be the “new and improved” me without all the trials and errors. I’m running in circles like a puppy chasing its own tail when I would rather be the smart and cunning cat observing and taking note of life from a high perch, casually swishing my tail while I harvest my wisdom. When do we become the cats?!

Just some thoughts.

Your work in progress,

Allycat