There are times I truly believe I have lost my mind. I don’t know when nor where I lost it, if it is entirely lost, but I am certain there are some fundamental chunks gone awry. The combination of life experiences – real, imagined and modified – have driven those parts of my mind to either vacate or mutate without warning. I wonder if I can grow and develop with what I have left and cling desperately to the hope that I will not be this way forever; the selfish, hot-tempered, and unfocused person who I am occasionally ashamed of. We’ve all been there. It’s all part of the vicious cycle of attaining the ever elusive “maturity”.
Playing Spider Solitaire (my new obsession – don’t ask) at 5am this morning I was (repeatedly!) informed that whether I quit and start a new game or restart my current game it will be counted as a loss in my statistics. Here is this game telling me that even I start over and ultimately win, the fact that I even had to start over means I’ve lost. Sipping on tea, legs crossed sitting with my laptop on my bed (very much like the illustration), it got me thinking about life. Having been a strong believer in the dust-yourself-off-and-try-again philosophy, now I can’t help but wonder how many losses I’ve accumulated over the last 22 years of my existence. And exactly how important are those losses? It also made me think about shortcuts, as I – armed with a victorious smile – reset my current statistics. Oh the joys of a fresh start!
But do we always have to accumulate losses to win or can we all just be winners? If we are always reminded of our “life statistics” will this make us strive for a better record, or just feel miserable and burdened?
I’d like to think we all continuously strive to be better people, good people, and conquer the things we have been taught make us “civilised” and “respectable” adults. Whatever that means. Can we all be the she-has-her-shit-together lady, or are some of us just destined to be the helter-skelter types? I understand that reaching this place of emotional and intellectual maturity is a process, and I continue to trudge along in my journey, but I often wish I could just be the “new and improved” me without all the trials and errors. I’m running in circles like a puppy chasing its own tail when I would rather be the smart and cunning cat observing and taking note of life from a high perch, casually swishing my tail while I harvest my wisdom. When do we become the cats?!
Just some thoughts.
Your work in progress,