Tonight has to be one of the most difficult nights of my life, exaggerating a tad bit but still. I am now realising that as nice as it is to know that I have been able to demonstrate some serious self control over the last 2 years and do that well promoted thing called “abstaining”…this shit is HARD! I don’t know if it was solely triggered by Janet Jackson’s song “Discipline” off her new Discipline album which I replayed approximately 20 times because it is sooooo sexy, she’s just oozing sex all over the place check it out yourself and tell me if you don’t feel an immediate increase in your “drive” .
This is insane. Although I am usually all for the self service, I don’t even think that could cut it tonight, I think I just need to say some hard prayers. Maybe I should just go to church right now and jump in the holy water (totally risking the fact that I might vaporise due to my sinful thoughts). I’m trying to take deep breaths, do some exercising and release the tension (first time I’ve officially exercised in a WHILE too so yay for me), I ran around my house like twice too just to keep my mind occupied, the only thing I didn’t try was the cold shower because (a) I hate cold water and (b) I don’t think it would be an effective method anyway unless I’m drinking cold water while soaking in it (and by cold I mean deathly cold, you get my point?!). And since I have not published a note in such a long time (on account that I keep running into a block and I want the notes to flow) and my brain is now hitting a million miles per second on this topic…I HAD to write since the words were just flowing out of me (pun absolutely intended). So let’s do this, let’s talk about sex. I will want you to post responses on this for sure because I want some feedback on how you guys deal with sexual frustration of this magnitude. And listen, all you sex-havers, do not post up anything like “well I just call up my bf/gf and show them the scene,” because you will only make matters worse so be sensitive to my plight!
Let’s start from the beginning. Here I was just relaxing on a nice Monday evening, just took a nice bath relishing the hot water and my victoria’s secret body wash, towel dried, moisturised with some more victoria’s secret and threw on a t-shirt and as usual sat in front of the laptop with my legs crossed on my bed, my big mug of Indian chai tea nearby, had no class today so, I’m on the internet doing some research on random things to write about. Everything was normal. Then all of a sudden it occurs to me, “Ally what is this familiar feeling that you are feeling?” And yes, I do mean familiar, not because I’m celibate doesn’t mean I don’t “feel the urge” and things of that nature, on the contrary I feel it QUITE often. So I just kind of brushed it off because I felt too lazy to take another bath. Then as I’m watching a video on YouTube of B.Scott singing this “Discipline” song by Janet Jackson it occurs to me that the feeling is intensifying due to the nature of the song. So I click on the link because it was a just a snippet that B played and I wanted to listen to the song in its entirety.
Now people, the lyrics go like this: “I misbehaved, done some things I know I shouldn’t do. I touched myself, even though you told me not to. You commanded me to wait for you. Ooh I tried. But I can smell you on my sheets, taste you on my skin so vividly. Daddy, I disobeyed you. Now I want you to come punish me. I need some discipline tonight, I‘ve been very bad. Make me cry, daddy make me cry ooohhhhhh.” NOW TELL ME THIS! What?! How, just how, am I supposed to respond to that OTHER than to just feel like…mmm? Janet didn’t need to do that to me tonight, she didn’t, she’s very wrong for whispering those lyrics like that and tickling my fancy with that sexy grinding beat. God dammit! I feel so violated, like she just busted into my brain and turned the words into lyrics and sang it back to me. I need to pause and take a deep breath.
So yes, now that I have composed myself I will continue. So Janet Jackson dropped it on me hot and sweaty and I am now dealing with the aftermath. And I KNOW, I just know, this has happened to some of you already. I’m sure on many an occasion you have just been minding your own business and you would see an image, a video or hear a song that just makes you feel like you could call someone up and have some hot, sweaty, kissing, licking, nibbling, rhythmic grinding, moaning…you get the point. So ANYWAY! I’m getting a little sidetracked with the imagery (like wow), sometimes it doesn’t even have to be something you’ve seen or heard, it could just be a memory of someone, of something that they did, of something that they said, or something that you did WITH them. There is always someone that did that one thing that nobody else could ever quite master. And now, in some moment of silence, it slivers back into your mind and you savour the memory like the taste of fine wine. It happens to even the most restrained, most contained, most inactive of us all. Hence, my plight.
What I really would like to know is how do you deal with it? As someone who has decided to remain inactive until…whenever, how do you deal with this kind of situation? I’m not trying to be a super human and say that I could just turn it off, because I most certainly cannot, if only it were that simple and I could just play with a switch then I would (why did I just say play with a switch??). But in all the running around the house, exercising, dancing, singing folly that I did to try to shake it off, it is still all up on me. The tingle is tingling and the hormones are being overwhelmingly hormonal. And I know that I can’t do what I’m thinking about doing, or let me choose my words more carefully, won’t do what I’m thinking about doing. I know if I pick up my phone right now I will regret it before morning because it’s just a whole awkward situation. Those who know me know that I tend to live in my mind, so there will be a million things I would be thinking about doing and I would leave it as a thought because I’m a little punkish but STILL! RIGHT NOW, I think I would literally JUMP out the box and do everything and explore every avenue that I have ever wanted to sexually explore. Lord have mercy yes. I need some kind of…something other than what I’m thinking about.
So people, I want you to rock out with your cocks out and tell me what you do to curb the urge. I need some intervention.
Your horny as a dog in heat celibate freak,