Single and Unavailable

The myth is that once you’re single you’re free to run and frolic around and do whatever - and in some cases whoever- you want. But many people have never heard of being single and UNavailable, and when it is heard of they still can’t fully wrap their heads around the idea that a single person could not want to be in a relationship - or have some wild sexcapades all up and through their houses (or other people’s houses, or public places, or in cars, or…you get the point) or even an innocent suck face fling. Well, let me introduce you to the world of the single and unavailable. A world that I’ve been inhabiting for a few months now that I must say has been working out quite well.

In modern times, the under 25 crowd is considered to be carefree (which is the new word for loose, it‘s like an a.k.a.) and unattached and that is supposedly the accepted way of life for that age group; not ready to settle down because of a chronic fear of commitment and most of the girls are living by “girls just wanna have fun” and the guys just want to “make love in this club” and play with the fun bags of the most forthcoming female (and oh they are never scarce or hard to find). This is the age of the one night stands, grand slams, cinema darkness feel up, and back of the party finger fun flings. Not that I’m banishing them to hell or anything, life is one big test throughout which we all make individual choices and their choices are not mine to condemn.

But for me and the rest of the single and unavailable population, fun just entails a bit of partying here and there, some harmless flirting, a few drinks with friends and just scoping the guys from a safe distance because my curiosity never propels me to cross the room and engage in flirtatious conversation. Not really my thing. Not because of “stushness” or cowardice…ok maybe a little bit of cowardice, but more so because most times when I look at one guy, I can’t really tell him apart from any other guy. It’s like they’re all carbon copies, in the same shoes, and clothes, and hats, with the same “swagger” and the same attitude. Even the ones who try to be all “different” and mysterious are all the same because they’re all huddled up in a corner trying to look all indifferent and carefree and cool with their pretty boy dreads or their mohawks…different and mysterious my ass. So while they may be aesthetically pleasing (some of them only so under the influence of a few drinks and under the dim club lights) I am convinced that the majority of the time, when they open their mouth and begin to speak in their broken grammar “cool dude” lingo I’ll have the uncontrollable urge to make a U-turn and go home, curl up with a cup of tea on my bed and read a book.

Being single and unavailable also provides a lot of interesting experiences I must say. My friends always try to pimp me off to the sexiest available bachelor who is "so your type Ally!" which is odd considering I don't HAVE a type but I love them still because they always make me laugh to say the least. And people in general tend to act like you’re an alien or something, like they cannot possibly fathom why you would be single and just…single. They don’t get that you’re comfortable just being alive without having any man/woman to think about right now and leave well enough alone. But being the Curious George monkeys that we human beings are, everyone prefers to probe and try to squeeze out your answers to the most ridiculous questions like, “you have no reason to be alone, so why are you even single?” (yes and they do say “alone” like I’m living in a cave at the end of the world and my only contact with other living things is when I see bats and birds fleetingly fly by) and they make it seem like it’s insane to actually want to just CHILL and be a little introspective and spend some time by yourself, like our sole purpose on this earth is to spend every waking moment in a relationship or just with someone else in general. Honestly, sometimes I’m so tempted to give an outrageous answer and say something like “well the truth is, I’m not really from earth, I’m an extraterrestrial from planet F.OFF and if I were to mate with your human men their penises will grow to monstrous sizes and develop a mind of their own and take over the fucking world. Does that seem like a good enough reason?”… I am such a bitch at times. But that’s ok. It’s absolutely warranted.

I have also noted within my time of being in this single and unavailable phase that it’s only when you don’t really want to be in a relationship that people want you to be in relationships with them. And then the people who you would quite possibly sacrifice your status for don’t want anything to do with the relationship idea. The contradictions in life amuse me, quite often providing me with my daily kix. And I have also ever so acutely observed that people in relationships try to make us single people bear their miserable burden when they constantly bombard us with all their love woes. They go on and on… and on and you have to give advice on all these situations (that you have no personal experience with) and they always try to pass it off like “well what would YOU do?” But because I like to fancy myself as being a good friend (I’ve even been diagnosed with “mommy syndrome”) I give them the advice that I think is best and most of the time it’s from the heart but the rest of the time I’m thinking…“Well iiiiii wouldn’t do shit, that’s why I’m here and you’re there. DUH!”

I wish more people would look at being single as an opportunity to work on yourself and fix the things that damn well overdue for some fixing. Like if you know you’re a self-centred ass then don’t go running into a relationship making the other person’s life a living hell since it’s all about YOU…because guess what? You’re going to end up right back where you started. Yes being single is about having fun and keeping your options open and just seeing what’s the scene with the world of the opposite sex. But there’s fun, and then there are stupid things people do that they know are damn stupid but they do it anyway and then say it’s “fun.” Like having unprotected sex with a total stranger because they’re “hot” and busted some good wine and grind moves on you a mere few hours ago at the club, is dumb. It may seem fun at the time but that’s a prime example of the dumb (not to mention irresponsible) shit people do and call “fun.” Just make the best of being single and do what's best for you in the long run to make all this time of being single actually mean something when the dust and noise settles (so exerting all your stamina on strangers and maybes might not be such a good thing by the time you find the love of your life because you'll be tired as hell!)

Me, I’m totally okay not fucking the world and everyone in it and instead choosing to just distribute sexy moves in the club and then taking my sexless ass home and take a nice long bath and enjoy the hot water. Interpret that however you choose (but if you do interpret it how I would’ve interpreted it, NOTHING is wrong with self serviced pleasure. LOL!) Meanwhile, I’ll be here living and looking at the bats and birds fly by making sure that when my time comes to burden some single friend with my love woes that I’ll actually be a full individual who won’t drive my “significant other” to enroll themselves in a mental institute by the time it’s over. I’ll keep shopping around the malls and perhaps something good and worth investing in will pop up in between all the overpriced bullshit.

Your single and unavailable alien,


No comments:

Post a Comment