Phenominal Phobia

I am now a thorough bred germaphobe. I have recently seen a man casually pull down his pants and pee in the wind (yes, the wind, that is blowing his pee all over the place!) and then with an even more laissez-aller attitude than before he proceeds to pull up his pants and then take money from someone waiting nearby in a car (yes, they were just chillin waiting on him to finish his gone with the wind pee version act), then walks up to the door of a fast food place and opens it! Yes, with the aforementioned penis holding pee hands that were not washed or disinfected with hand sanitizer and now he’s blessing everyone else who touches the door with the golden glory that is his urine. Just observing that action I had to pull out my little bottle of Purell and console myself with the fact that THANK GOD, I wasn’t going in there. Just to think of how he’s going to strut in there and pay the cashier with his partially pee soaked money then touch all the condiment pumps with his penis juice fingers. Aaarrrgghhh! This isn’t even the first instance, I’m sure we’ve all witnessed something matching this degree of mind-blowing blood crawling germ spreading at least once. Like when u see someone sneeze into their hands with no tissue or kerchief and then you can’t help but wonder who’s the unfortunate individual who will unknowingly shake their hand within the next 5 minutes and then be contaminated with their bacteria. Not that I’m scornful, I just take the necessary precautions to ensure that if I (for whatever reason) decide to lick my fingers that I’m not then digesting someone else’s accumulation of oral bacteria...or better yet, their urine. I think germaphobia/mysophobia/bacterophobia (yes I did my research) has to be one of the most legit phobias out there. I mean, have you ever really paid close attention to the disgusting sanitation habits that people around us practice on a daily basis? Lately I constantly tote around a pack of antibacterial wipes and hand sanitizer, out of sheer fear of encountering germ infested individuals who are on a secret mission to infect me. And this is by no means me being obsessive compulsive…maybe a tad bit actually, but I’d like to think that it is absolutely and completely justified with the way people walk around digging in their nose holes like they’re expecting to discover a gold nugget and make a quick fortune, and the way vagrants (or the homeless…to be politically correct) just grab at you or bump into you whenever they feel like it. I remember my mom once collected a solid clout from a vagrant and when she was recounting the details of the story I couldn’t help but ask, “…Soooo, did u shampoo your hair mom? Because that’s thoroughly disgusting if you didn’t.” She had a good laugh at that but come to think of it…I never found out of she shampooed. Let’s hope she did, I mean God forbid that vagrant is crazy or totally bipolar like those monkeys in the zoo that always seem really normal and cute until they defecate and throw it in your face. Not so cute to have a monkey shit covered face I don’t think. Especially the monkeys at our very own lovely establishment, Emperor Valley Zoo, that look like they’re about to either die of starvation or go steering mad and start biting their way through the cages. I figure that this will be my form of socialization in a few months…at a germaphobe version of Alcoholics Anonymous, maybe called something like “Get A Grip Germaphobes” or “Mysophobia Maniacs”: Me: “Hi my name is Alicia and I’m a germaphobe.” Get A Grip Germaphobes/Mysophobia Maniacs attendees: “Hi Alicia!” Then I’ll start my long winded story of how I became a full time germaphobe and be comforted by all my fellow humans in need of de-sterilization… But that’s just the future, as of now, it’s still in the developing stages. I think it’s time we all evolve and become bacterially sophisticated; get some wipes and some hand sanitizer (removes 99.9% of germs…I don’t know what happened to the other .1% but it’s better than nothing!) to keep handy. You wouldn’t like to rub your eyes at some point in the day and feel a burning sensation and wonder, “hmm…I hope that’s not someone else’s saliva moisturizing my cornea.” Spit is probably not a good substitute for Visine. Let’s all do it like the Monk. Get down with the phenomenal phobia! Be careful not to get scornful though, I know it’s going to be a challenge because sometimes we can even disgust ourselves, but if it’s any consolation you can always contact me and we can actually found Get A Grip Germaphobes/Mysophobia Maniacs.  I’m open to suggestions for treatment as well. I wonder what treatment for that will be like? Maybe I’ll be shoved into a room of totally adorable toddlers…who all have the flu and are running around sneezing and coughing on each other and on the toys and shit! :-O… Or worse yet maybe they’ll put me in a room full of money AFTER they scanned all the bills and exposed the amount of germs on them because money is truly the most revolting bacteria transferring necessity to date! That is crazy to think about; I might really do some research on that and figure out what the REAL treatments are like. I sincerely apologise to anyone reading this that may really be a serious germaphobe and feel offended. My badness! Bottom line people, please stop being grotesque! Think of others when next you decide to walk out of the bathroom without washing your hands, which we ALL used to do back in the primary school days when our teachers had us scared to death of Cholera. Go back to the Cholera days, wash those hands and get some hand sanitizer, it’s approximately $10 for a little bottle of Purell that can absolutely fit in any size handbag and definitely in your pockets guys. Spread the word, not the germs! Your hand sanitizer abusing germaphobe, Allycat

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