Let the Baby Be

For whatever inexplicable reason I found myself thinking about babies a lot last night (or this morning,not too sure,if you read my last note you would know that my day and night lines are kind of blurred). I thought about them a lot because you know they're the phenomenon of life and all that and I realised that the more I thought about those litlle hobbit people the more disturbed I got.  


I wonder if all this stuff that you're SUPPOSED to do when you're having a baby is really ligit or if some bored intellectual decided to see how gullible average humans were and came up with these crazy ideas, take for instance all this talk about playing the likes Mozart and Beethoven for the baby while they're still in the womb. It supposedly makes them smarter or artistically inclined or something..how insane is that? I can't believe that people expect to pop out the next Bill Gates or Picasso based on some music that the baby probably can't hear because its ears aren't even fully developed yet. 


I guess the eating healthy while preggers part is understandable, but then again if a baby can develop a taste for classical music so early in that stage of life then who's to say that they can't appreciate the fine cuisine of KFC or Marios? I also realised that parents and relatives are insane. Why is it that they all feel that they can figure things out about who you are before you can even speak? I find it hard to believe that if a 2 month old baby likes a particular car toy that it means they're going to be the next big thing in NasCar or the person to design something sweeter than a Mercedes Benz. At 2 months old it's highly unlikely that any baby could determine what their job occupation will be based on the fact that they like the way the train goes "choo choo". Absolutely absurd, people are mad. 


Another thing I don't like is this idea of talking babies. Like that E*TRADE advertisement with that baby talking in front of the computer screen and saying things like "I underestimated the creepiness." Who's the bright star who thought that it would be a good idea to freak people out with the concept that a baby could comprehend words like "underestimated"? He probably thought it would be hilarious, which it was the first time I saw it but when I actually had time to think about it then it got kind of unnerving. I assume it's a he because women generally value the sanctity of baby-ness, we like them to be at the "goo goo ga ga" and "mama" stage because then we don't have to think about our babies being able to harbour enough intelligence to blurt out something like "mother I don't feel for the likes of your breast milk today, the monotony of the feeding process has become mildly irritating." Could you even imagine if some shit like that really happened? 


The problem with humans is that we think we know too much, either that or we feel like we don't know enough and have a constant thirst for more perceived knowledge. I could imagine how many baby bump toters lined up for a copy of that book "What to Expect: Parents." Whoever wrote that must be sleeping on a money mattress in their gold plated mansion right now. Personally, I don't want to know what to expect. I already know that some apparently angry mini-human is going to come busting out of my vagina kicking and screaming and covered in blood and guts and God knows what else. Excuse me if I'm not tickled pink at the idea of "what to expect."

If I wrote that book though, I would also have variations like the Chicken Soup publishers. I would have 'What to Expect: Life' and Chapter 1 would be titled 'Imminent Death' and I'll just spoil the fun of the experience for everyone. Actually that's a good idea, don't bite that I just copyrighted it. I could be alone with these thoughts but then again I've gotten used to being looked at as kind of a black sheep so that would be totally fine. Bottom line is people, let the babies be. Don't try to be buying doctor toys for them at 5 months old expecting them to grab hold and be the new star of DR.90210 in a few years. Let them make noise, run, fall, eat their shit and roll in their vomit or whatever it is babies do when we're not looking. I'm just saying is all... 


Your basic baby lover,

Allycat


 
Let me run around naked if I feel like it!